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.But let’s be adult about it.’‘I see.’ She was profoundly hurt and seeming to sense this, he added more gently, ‘I enjoyed making love to you.I rather think you enjoyed it too.Isn’t that enough?’‘Apparently it has to be,’ she said stiffly.Her humiliation burned in her throat and stung her eyes.‘Don’t spoil it all, honey.Lord knows, we’ve had to wait long enough for this.Can’t we just enjoy it without getting embroiled in definitions of love?’He studied her face, but she refused to meet his eyes.‘You know, it was your unapproachability that attracted me in the first place.I set myself a time limit to get through to you!’She stiffened furiously but his arm reached up and pulled her against him, holding her with the inflexibility of an iron band.‘Easy, girl, that was supposed to be a compliment! There aren’t many women I’m prepared to wait that long for, but I have to admit you were worth it!’‘And did you land me within your time limit?’ she enquired with icy sarcasm, and felt him smile.‘Just!’She raised her head, her eyes stinging with furious tears.‘You—you male chauvinist pig!’He gave a brief laugh.‘Look at it my way.You’re a highly respectable and extremely attractive married woman with a good husband and a lovely home.But you’re bored.Me, I’m an adequately successful journalist.I’m not married, but I’m bored too.If we can give each other a good time within the confines of our circumstances, well, who could ask for more? To my mind it’s an ideal setup.’‘Meaning I can’t make any demands on you?’ Her few tears had dried stiffly on her cheeks and she was fully in control again, listening with almost clinical detachment to his assessment of the situation which was so heart stoppingly different from her own.What a fool she’d been to expect otherwise.‘I can’t believe you’d want to.Oh, Caroline, I thought you were more worldly than this! Why do women always have to keep harping on love?’She met his eyes at last.‘Damn you!’ she said softly.‘Damn you to hell!’‘That’s better!’She moved away from his restraining grasp and flung herself over on her back, staring up at the low ceiling.He sat up and reached for cigarettes from the table by the bed, lit one, and leant over to put it between her lips.She drew in deep lungfuls of the soothing, aromatic smoke and gradually a measure of calm came to her.‘I used to think I was hard, but my God, you could teach me a thing or two!’‘Perhaps you haven’t had as many knocks as I have.’‘Do you never consider anyone but yourself?’‘Not if I can help it.Do you?’She didn’t reply directly.‘Haven’t you ever been in love yourself, if you’ll pardon the expression?’She thought he hadn’t heard and turned her head to repeat the question when the expression on his face stopped her.‘Once,’ he said at last, and reached out to reclaim his cigarette.‘What happened?’‘She died.’‘I’m sorry.’ She could sense his rigidity.‘You weren’t married, were you?’‘No, she was.’‘I see.’ She couldn’t resist adding, out of her own hurt, ‘So although you were still playing by your own rules, that time you were hoist with your own petard!’‘Shut up!’She swung her head towards him, startled at the venom in his voice, but before she could speak, he flung back the sheet and walked rapidly over to the window, leaning on the sill and staring down into the sun-dappled lane.She said awkwardly, ‘Lewis, I’m sorry.I didn’t realize it still hurt so much.’He was still staring out of the window.‘It’s these last months that have brought it all back.She used to love hearing all about Four Winds.“Tell me about the dining-room,” she’d say, or “Describe the hall again!” She wanted to build up a complete mental picture of it.I don’t know why, perhaps because it was so much a part of me.’‘But you never took her there?’‘No.It wasn’t—feasible.’‘If she hadn’t died, might you ever—?’‘God knows!’ he said harshly.The bleakness in his voice tore at her and she slipped off the bed and padded over to him.He turned towards her and they stood holding each other for some time.It was ironic, she thought, that she should be trying to comfort him on behalf of the unknown girl who had succeeded in gaining his love where she herself had so abysmally failed.The breeze from the open window playing on her bare shoulders began to chill her and she shivered a little.He held her out then at arm’s length, and the banter was back in his eyes.‘Lovely, wanton Caroline!’‘I must go,’ she said softly, ‘it’s getting late.’His lips moved over her hair.‘Have I disappointed you, Caroline?’Pride came to her rescue.‘No, I hadn’t formed any expectations, so I could hardly be disappointed, could I?’‘All the same, I fear my attitude may have left something to be desired.If so, I’m sorry, but there’s little I can do about it.Am I forgiven?’She smiled.‘I suppose so.’‘And you’ll come again?’‘If I’m asked!’‘I promise you you will be!’‘By the way, Laura said—’His face clouded.‘Oh, yes.Laura.’She said quickly, ‘Lewis, if you’ve changed your mind, if you don’t want her to write this infernal book, you’ve only to say so.’He shook his head.‘No, she has to do it, whether I like it or not.’‘That’s nonsense!’ she said sharply, disturbed by the mindless acceptance implicit in his words.He moved suddenly, releasing her, and lit another cigarette while she dressed.At the foot of the steep wooden staircase he kissed her lingeringly.‘Good-bye, Lewis.’ Her eyes went over his face.‘Good-bye, sweet Caroline.’She pulled the door to behind her and started briskly back down the lane that led to Brocklehurst High Street.Well, she’d done it.For the first time in her married life she had been unfaithful to Edward, and her only regret in the whole, magical interlude was the fact that she had tried to make Lewis tell her he loved her.She could only hope that her subsequent nonchalance had convinced him that she too had been using the word euphemistically.But had she? Was this throbbing, tearing urgency that possessed her at the very thought of him nothing more than sheer physical need? Even if it were not, she must make herself believe so.She turned left into the High Street as the hourly bus lumbered past.Five o’clock already.Peter would be home from school before long [ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]