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.It stood in front of the gate, about 15 feet from me.It was a small doe, a fawn, a something.I moved slowly toward it.It didn't budge.Was it going to let me by? It didn't seem to fear me.I guessed it sensed my confusion, my cowardice.I approached closer and closer.It wouldn't get out of the way.It had large beautiful brown eyes, more beautiful than the eyes of any woman I had ever seen.I couldn't believe it.I was within 3 feet of it, ready to back off, when it bolted.It ran off the road and into the woods.It was in excellent shape; it could really run.As I walked further along the road I heard the sound of running water.I needed water.You couldn't live very long without water.I left the road and moved toward the sound of rushing water.There was a little hill covered with grass and as I topped the hill there it was: water spilling out of several cement pipes in the face of a dam and into some kind of reservoir.I sat down at the edge of the reservoir and took off my shoes and stockings, pulled up my pants, and stuck my legs into the water.Then I poured water over my head.Then I drank-but not too much or too fast-just like I'd seen it done in the movies.After recovering a bit I noticed a pier that went out over the reservoir.I walked out on the pier and came to a large metal box bolted to the side of the pier.It was locked with a padlock.There was probably a telephone in there! I could phone for help!I went and found a large rock and started smashing it against the lock.It wouldn't give.What the hell would Jack London do? What would Hemingway do? Jean Genet?I kept smashing the rock against the lock.Sometimes I missed and my hand hit the lock or the metal box itself.Skin ripped, blood flowed.I gathered myself and gave the lock one final blow.It opened.I took it off and opened the metal box.There was no telephone.There were a series of switches and some heavy cables.I reached in, touched a wire, and got a terrible shock.Then I pulled a switch.I heard the roar of water.Out of 3 or 4 of the holes in the concrete face of the dam shot giant white jets of water.I pulled another switch.Three or four other holes opened up, releasing tons of water.I pulled a third switch and the whole dam let loose.I stood and watched the water pouring forth.Maybe I could start a flood and cowboys would come on horses or in rugged little pickup trucks to rescue me.I could see the headline:HENRY CHINASKI, MINOR POET, FLOODS UTAH COUNTRYSIDE IN ORDER TO SAVE HIS SOFT LOS ANGELES ASS.I decided against it.I threw all the switches back to normal, closed the metal box, and hung the broken lock back on it.I left the reservoir, found another road up the way, and began following it.This road seemed more used than the other.I walked along.I had never been so tired.I could hardly see.Suddenly there was a little girl about 5 years old walking towards me.She wore a little blue dress and white shoes.She looked frightened when she saw me.I tried to look pleasant and friendly as I edged towards her."Little girl, don't go away.I won't hurt you.I'M LOST! Where are your parents? Little girl, take me to your parents!"The little girl pointed.I saw a trailer and a car parked up ahead."HEY, I'm LOST!" I shouted."CHRIST, AM I GLAD TO SEE YOU."Lydia stepped around the side of the trailer.Her hair was done up in red curlers."Come on, city boy," she said."Follow me home.""I'm so glad to see you, baby, kiss me!""No.Follow me."Lydia took off running about 20 feet in front of me.It was hard keeping up."I asked those people if they had seen a city boy around," she called back over her shoulder."They said, No."" Lydia, I love you!""Come on! You're slow!""Wait, Lydia, wait!"She vaulted over a barbed wire fence.I couldn't make it.I got tangled in the wire.I couldn't move.I was like a trapped cow." LYDIA!"She came back with her red curlers and started helping me get loose from the barbs."I tracked you.I found your red notebook.You got lost deliberately because you were pissed.""No, I got lost out of ignorance and fear.I am not a complete person-I'm a stunted city person.I am more or less a failed drizzling shit with absolutely nothing to offer." "Christ," she said, "don't you think I know that?" She freed me from the last barb.I lurched after her.I was back with Lydia again.31It was 3 or 4 days before I had to fly to Houston to give a reading.I went to the track, drank at the track, and afterwards I went to a bar on Hollywood Boulevard.I went home at 9 or 10 pm.As I moved through the bedroom towards the bathroom I tripped over the telephone cord.I fell against the corner of the bed frame-an edge of steel like a knife blade.When I got up I found I had a deep gash just above the ankle.The blood ran into the rug and I left a bloody trail as I went to the bathroom.The blood ran over the tiles and I left red footprints as I walked about.There was a knock on the door and I let Bobby in."Jesus Christ, man, what happened?""It's DEATH," I said."I'm bleeding to death…""Man," he said, "you better do something about that leg."Valerie knocked.I let her in too.She screamed.I poured Bobby and Valerie and myself drinks.The phone rang.It was Lydia." Lydia, baby, I'm bleeding to death!""Is this one of your dramatic trips again?""No, I'm bleeding to death.Ask Valerie."Valerie took the phone."It's true, his ankle is cut open.There's blood everywhere and he won't do anything about it.You better come over…"When Lydia arrived I was sitting on the couch."Look, Lydia: DEATH!" Tiny veins were hanging out of the wound like strings of spaghetti.I yanked at some of them.I took my cigarette and tapped ashes into the wound."I'm a MAN! Hell, I'm a MAN!"Lydia went and got some hydrogen peroxide and poured it into the wound.It was nice.White foam gushed out of the wound.It sizzled and bubbled.Lydia poured some more in."You better go to a hospital," Bobby said."I don't need a fucking hospital," I said."It will cure itself…"The next morning the wound looked horrible.It was still open and seemed to be forming a nice crust.I went to the drugstore for some more hydrogen peroxide, some bandages, and some epsom salts.I filled the tub full of hot water and epsom salts and got in.I began thinking about myself with only one leg.There were advantages:HENRY CHINASKI IS,WITHOUT A DOUBT, THEGREATEST ONE-LEGGEDPOET IN THE WORLDBobby came by that afternoon."You know what it costs to get a leg amputated?" "$12,000." After Bobby left I phoned my doctor.I went to Houston with a heavily bandaged leg.I was taking antibiotic pills in an attempt to cure the infection.My doctor mentioned that any drinking would nullify the good the antibiotic pills had.At the reading, which was at the modern art museum, I went on sober.After I read a few poems somebody in the audience asked, "How come you're not drunk?""Henry Chinaski couldn't make it," I said."I'm his brother Efram."I read another poem and then confessed about the antibiotics.I also told them it was against museum rules to drink on the premises.Somebody from the audience came up with a beer.I drank it and read some more.Somebody else came up with another beer.Then the beers began to flow.The poems got better.There was a party and a dinner afterwards at a cafe.Almost directly across the table from me was absolutely the most beautiful girl I had ever seen.She looked like a young Katherine Hepburn.She was about 22, and she just radiated beauty.I kept making wisecracks, calling her Katherine Hepburn.She seemed to like it.I didn't expect anything to come of it.She was with a girlfriend.When it came time to leave I said to the museum director, a woman named Nana, at whose house I was staying, "I'm going to miss her.She was too good to believe.""She's coming home with us.""I don't believe it [ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]