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.I wanted to rewind time back to when she made that decision.Her life, our lives could have been different if she had just told me.14CLARKA piece of me was embarrassed, but Devin was the only person I could break down with.He’d always been that person.He stroked my hair.“Clark, I’m sorry you made that decision, but don’t blame yourself.If I’d been a better man, you probably wouldn’t have felt the need to make that decision alone.”He held me so tight it felt like he was choking me.I felt safe and forgiven.It was as if God presented me with the opportunity to get this secret off my chest.I wiped my tears and tried to gain my composure.I took a deep breath, forcing a smile.“There, now we put it all on the table.”He offered a sympathetic look.“You feel better?”“I feel free.”“I wish this conversation could have happened several years ago.”“I wasn’t ready then, Devin.I was still in a lot of pain and I was bitter, and I hated that you hurt me.”He pulled me to him.“Everything happens when it’s supposed to happen, huh?” I nodded.He paused, gazed away for a minute.“I just wish time would have been on our side.” I shrugged.He continued, “Clark, I missed you so much over the years.I compared every woman I met to you.”I wanted nothing more than to run away with him and forget about all the stress I was going through at home.It didn’t feel like we’d been apart for nine years; it felt more like nine days.All my buried emotions surfaced as I stared deeply in his eyes.“Devin, why did you marry Jennifer? Why did you hurt me like that?”“I don’t know, but I never got over you.I never got over us.I grew bitter with myself for being so stupid.”“Why did you two break up?”He shook his head and smiled uncomfortably.“You know she actually tried to get pregnant.She pretty much trapped me—and you couldn’t have paid me to believe it, but I heard it with my own ears.”“How?”“She called into a radio station admitting she’d poked holes in my condoms when we first met.I knew her voice.I knew it was her.”My mouth hung open, partially because I couldn’t believe it, but more so, because I envied her.How could she just plan to trap someone and be successful—and here I was standing on my head, injecting fertility drugs into my system, and I couldn’t get pregnant? I didn’t even want to discuss her anymore.“That’s sad.I wish I could say I’m sorry that happened to you, but—““I know.You don’t have to say anything.I live with the pain every day.You can’t imagine how many times I wonder how different my life would be if we stayed together.”“So when did you get over it?”“I guess I never got over it.I just coped.”“But you just got married again.”“Men never really stop loving their first choice.You know?” He hung his head.“My wife, Taylor, she is a helluva second choice, but she’s not you.”I cringed when he said her name.It came out so endearingly it made me slightly sad.There was a time when I felt like I couldn’t ask for a better second choice than Kenneth, but he had grown into an all-out asshole and I wasn’t sure if he should even be a choice at all.I nodded.“I do understand.”Minutes passed before either of us spoke.It was too late to do anything about our revelations.All we could do was accept the notion you don’t always get to spend forever with your soul mate.Finally, Devin spoke.“Clark, what are you thinking?”“I don’t know.”“I wish I could tell you that I got what I came for.I wish I could say you’ll never hear from me again, but honestly, Clark…” He shook his head, almost as if he was ashamed for feeling what he felt.“I just want to go somewhere with you and spend the day and talk, like we used to do.”“We both have so much to lose.”“We do.I know we do, but we both have so much that we’ve carried over the years that I think we need to get off of our chests.”“Devin?” I knew what he felt, but it bothered me.It was as if he still let his emotions make decisions for him.“Your spontaneity scares me, always has.I mean, people don’t change, but you’ve hurt a lot of people just doing what you felt at the moment.”“I’m not spontaneous.I’m passionate.But that’s what makes me who I am.”I knew I needed to leave.One more second there, I would have agreed to meet him again.But I wasn’t young and dumb anymore.People depended on me, and I couldn’t just do what felt good.I had to be rational.I grabbed my scarf and began slowly wrapping it around my neck.He reluctantly stood.Loneliness filled his eyes.Something was absent in him and I wondered why.He leaned in to hug me and the embraced lingered, and lingered.We peeled apart.I looked in his eyes.“It’s too late.”He nodded cautiously and watched me leave.Through the window, I saw him sink back into the booth.As I headed to my car, I debated the purpose of the emotionally charged meeting.I don’t know what I expected to feel, but I didn’t feel better.The mere fact that I wanted more from him made me feel unfaithful.I drove home and couldn’t take my mind off of him, off of us.15DEVINOnce I got in my car, I sat there for moments before driving off the lot.I ran into traffic on the ride home, but I wasn’t even bothered by it.I kept replaying our relationship in my mind.I thought about our reunion and wondered if I said everything I could have said or if she’d felt any closure, because it still felt like an open sore for me.Finally, I pulled into my garage and snapped out of the trance.I fumbled around before getting out of my car, because I didn’t want to carry my thoughts into the house with me.After five minutes or so, I decided to creep into the house.I kicked off my shoes before entering the kitchen.My socks glided on the engineered wood floors, and the smell of spaghetti surprised me.It was Taylor’s one other dish, and she only cooked when it was time to celebrate.Smooth music played through the home intercom system.Damn, I almost forgot Taylor and I had come to some sort of agreement hours earlier.She waltzed down the back stairwell leading to the kitchen, wearing Victoria’s Secret PINK gray sweats and a pink camisole.The longer side of her hair was swooped behind her ear and her face looked fresh and clear, like she’d just had a facial.“Hey, Devin,” she said, reaching out for a hug.“What’s going on, Bae?”I held her extra long, allotting myself more time to get my head together [ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]