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.But observing that the official did not depart, he added: »Is there anything to say?«»Yes, your Majesty,« the Secretary of War answered; »I wish to surrender my portfolio; for while the public outcry is untrue it is not unjust.I am a fool.«At this the Gamdoodle was graciously pleased to smile.»My good man,« he said, »return to your duties.I am that way myself.«The Mysterious WordThe Chief of a battalion of war correspondents read a manuscript account of a battle.»My son,« he said to its Author, »your story is distinctly unavailable.You say we lost only two men instead of a hundred; that the enemy's loss is unknown, instead of ten thousand, and that we were defeated and ran away.That is no way to write.«»But consider,« expostulated the conscientious scribe, »my story may be tame with regard to the number of our casualties, disappointing as to the damage done to the enemy and shocking in its denouement, but it has the advantage of being the truth.«»I don't quite understand,« said the Chief, scratching his head.»Why, the advantage,« the other exclaimed – »the merit – the distinction – the profitable excellence – the« –»Oh,« said the Chief, »I know very well the signification of ›advantage‹; but what the devil do you mean by ›truth‹?«A Born CaptainA Near-Sighted Man in Luzon met one day a Gorgeous Being whom he mistook for the American Commander.»General,« he said, »do you not find the United States volunteers difficult to manage?«»I might,« the Gorgeous Being replied, »if I were their commander; but, no, I am Aguinaldo.«RevelationA Lion was attacked by a pack of famishing Wolves, who circled about him, howling as loud as they could, though none dared approach him.»These are very useful creatures,« said the Lion, as he lay down for his afternoon nap – »they apprise me of my virtues.I never before knew that I was good to eat.«Soldier and VultureA Soldier struggling through a pestilential morass saw a Vulture perching on the branch of a tree and solemnly snapping its beak.»What are you?« asked the Soldier, who had never seen a Vulture.»You look like the father of all chickens.«»Men call me all kinds of names,« the bird replied, »according to the language that they speak.I called myself an Expansionist.«The soldier grew very grave.»I was that myself until now,« he said, »but if you are the thing to be expanded I shall have to think about it.«But when he tried he found that heaven had not supplied him with a thinker.Her Honor the MayorA Statesman running for Office had the bad luck to fall and break his heart.As he lay bewailing his hard fate the Office of which he had been in pursuit came back to him, keeping just out of reach.»My poor friend,« said the Office, »what was your business with me?«»I wanted to hold you,« the sufferer explained.»I should think,« the Office said, reproachfully, »that it would be much easier to go home and hold the baby.«»Alas,« said the unfortunate Statesman, »my home is in Colorado and my wife is Mayor of Maverick – there is no baby.«In Advance of His TimeSome rowdies, having savagely beaten an Unoffending Person, were haled before a Judge and prosecuted by their victim.»I seem to remember you,« said the Judge to the prosecuting witness.»Did you not make a speech on a street corner recently, denouncing law and tyranny?«»I did, your Honor.«»The very law to which you now appeal for protection?«»Yes, your Honor, I hate all law.«»In short, you are an anarchist, are you not?«»Yes, I am – but not a bigoted one.«»Well, I am not a bigoted enforcer of the law.The prisoners are discharged, and I invite attention to the fact that you are without standing in this court.«Soon afterward the Judge was removed from office, respected by all who knew him.Cause and EffectA thirteen-inch gun having uttered a projectile relapsed into silence.Then sounded a Far, Faint Voice from beyond the earth's curvature: »Did you damage anything?«»Did I damage anything?« echoed the portentous tube right scornfully.»If you are envious enough about that to investigate you will find a wide and ragged hole in the public treasury.«»Ah, permit me to introduce myself,« said the Far, Faint Voice: »I am that hole.It is a wise child that knows its father – I had supposed myself due to the annual salary warrant of a Rear-Admiral.«Environment»Prisoner,« said the Judge, austerely, »you are justly convicted of murder.Are you guilty, or were you brought up in Kentucky?«A Chained EagleA Provincial Statesman newly elected to the parliament of Despotamia declared that he would introduce a resolution censuring the king.As he left the parliament house, he met a Stranger who warned him that if he persisted in his disloyal design he would lose his head.»That,« said he, »would be a smaller privation than the loss of my liberty.«»I do not know that,« said the Stranger.»Liberty is something that I cannot rightly appraise, never having had it.I am the king.«The Powerless PoetA Poet whose lines never would scan was summoned before the King and commanded to show cause why he should not be put to death.»If your ear is imperfect,« said the King, »you could count your syllables on your fingers, like an honest workman.«»May your Majesty outlive your Prime Minister by as many years as remain to you,« said the Poet, reverently.»I do count my syllables.But observe: my left hand lacks a finger – bitten off by a critic [ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]